We See You, Too

Just a quick “hello,” my friend

Before I get busy or forget to send

Warm wishes your way as not to rend

The relationships we oft neglect to tend

Please, take some time now to reach out to another

To one broken, without their child, spouse or mother

To the one who is hurting, suffering under cover

To the one who needs a friend or just a brother

Look closely, you will see the one who has lost joy

The one whose face is not changed by a gift or toy

Can you see the sadness of a man that began in a boy

Can you see her festive attire that serves as a decoy

Pay attention during this season of many highs

Savor the big hugs, but listen for the soft cries

Help them to find, too, the hope of each sunrise

Love them, embrace them until the tear dries

Then we all can have a happy holiday season

A time when we laugh for absolutely no reason

And create memories that are sure to be pleasing

Because we saw you and gave what was needed

Copyrighted 2016 Loria Lofton

 

LEGACY

When the name of Martin Luther King, Jr. is mentioned the usual accompanying thought is related to civil rights.  When we hear the name Bruce Springsteen our minds go to music. However, a person does not have to be famous to leave a legacy. In fact, we all will leave a legacy, The word legacy is defined in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as  "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past".  Simply put,  our legacy will be what we are remembered for or remembered as. Each day we are writing our legacy and it will live on long after we are gone. Consider some of the important people in your life. What comes to mind when you think of them? How do/did they impact your life?  Mike Murdock once said “I will be remembered for 2 things: the problems I cause and the problems I solve.” How would you like to be remembered? What can you begin doing today to create the legacy and memories you want to leave?

INSIGHT: Our reputation precedes us but our legacy follows us. Each is quite powerful.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Open your mouth, what did you say?

‘Twas nothing negative, I do pray

Know that power lies not in the size of a thing

But in the force with which it swings

Each man possesses a fairly small member

That is able to build dams and to fall timber

I speak of the tongue, as you might know

It plants seeds and causes them to grow

Open your mouth, what did you say?

Hope it was nothing to spoil your day

Your words are mighty and quite great

They spread love’s message or one of hate

Your words go farther than ever will your hands

They can reach many a soul in foreign lands

Your words can bring smiles to child’s face

In them children should find a trusting place

Open your mouth, what did you say?

A foundation for the future your words do lay

In the words of your tongue, you hold death and life

The words of your tongue can bring peace or strife

With the words of your tongue,

a home you can build

With the words of your tongue dreams you can kill

Open you’re your mouth, what did you say?

Please, nothing another man’s life to fray

So what will you do with this power you possess?

Oh, it is time now to put it to the test

But before the words you speak next,

Take a moment pause think and reflect

Realize that the words you say may forever live on

 They may encourage a heart, halt a rumor,

Or right a wrong

Now, open your mouth and what will you say?

Hopefully, words that will show one The Way

Copyright Loria Lofton, LMFT

Sticks & Stones...

Several years ago while browsing through the Post Exchange (the department store for the military) in Germany, I stopped my shopping cart to look at an item that caught my interest. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pang on my arm. When I turned to identify the origin of the pain, I saw a little boy around 3 or 4 years of age in the cart next to mine. During that time, I worked primarily with pre-school and school age children, so my initial thought was that this was a child with whom I’d worked and I’d failed to acknowledge him. However, this was not the case. I did not recognize this little person. As I looked at the child, with his hand still raised in a fist, I watched him attempt to contort his face to the meanest grimace he could muster – eyes squinted and jaw clinched. Then came these words with a growl from his mouth, “I’m BAD!”  Immediately my heart sank. It was not tis forceful punch that hurt most. Rather, it was the realization that someone had told this child that he was bad. He, in turn, embraced it and was acting out what it meant to him.

How often did we (or do we now) accept or embrace what is said to us or about us? Do we take on those words as our identity and start behaving as such? Do we assess and label others based on our personal opinions? Perhaps the better question to ask is, “What makes that opinion correct?” Our words have so much power. Just as our words can build a boy or mend a man, they can do the opposite, also. So many times I have heard children (as well as adults) say they would take a physical whipping over a ‘tongue (verbal) whipping” from their parents any day. They point out that the physical pain only lasts for a few minutes. In retrospect, the old nursery rhyme that says “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” could not be farther from the truth. Words can hurt forever! Always keep in mind that broken bones usually heal significantly faster than broken hearts and spirits.

INSIGHT: Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words can break my spirit…

Piece or Peace

Many times when we are angered or offended by someone, our first reaction is to “give them a piece of our mind.” In other words, we want to let the offender know exactly how we feel or what we think about the present situation. Ironically, adamantly sharing these thoughts usually doesn’t diffuse or resolve the issue.  Not much can be heard during a conversation hijacked by escalating emotions or escalating voices.  How often do we stop to ask the question,” How much differently would this encounter turn out if I don’t share what I am thinking?”

We have all had opportunity to witness a myriad of communication styles as well as varied methods of conflict resolution. Some work, some don’t. Some folks adhere to the “peace at all costs” mindset while others opt to “fight at the drop of a hat.”  Whichever you choose, consider that both have consequences.  Yes, we may know that our peace has been disturbed but there are so many other factors that we may not know about the situation, the person, or even ourselves.  Acknowledgement of the offense de-escalates conflict more often than confrontation. It also validates the ‘humaness’ of everyone involved. Again, we get to choose whether we impulsively react or whether we thoughtfully respond. Furthermore, after repeatedly giving ‘a piece of our mind: what does that leave us? How many ‘pieces can we give away before we are left at a deficit?

Insight Beyond Sight: If I can hold my piece then I can hold my peace.

Smother: Mother: Other

The greatest compliment a person can give or receive is, “You have a balanced life.” Webster’s Online Dictionary describes balance as “stability produced by even distribution.”  It also refers to balance as “mental and emotional steadiness” as well as “a means of judging and deciding.” Consider your favorite ice cream, the sport you love or the video game you have mastered. All of these are fabulous in moderation.  However, if you decide to indulge in too much of any of them it can completely throw your life off balance.  Can such a premise be applied to mothering also? During this season, we prepare to celebrate those who either gave us life or those who have shaped it. So let’s look at three categories of mothers:

1.     Smother: This individual does everything for her child. Perhaps, she believes that things are sure to be done “right” if she does them herself. Perhaps she thinks it is more efficient this way or that she is being helpful. However, the ‘smother’ unknowingly sends a message: “You are incapable or incompetent.” In other words, “You are not good (smart) enough.” Of course, the result is a child who is robbed of the opportunity to learn how to be responsible or independent. As an adult this child has difficulty making or following through on decisions and frequently questions his/her ability or right to succeed. An unhealthy self-esteem or inferiority complex is often the outcome.

2.     Other: This individual seems to believe that it is the responsibility of others to guide her child. She is likely to be uninvolved or sometimes unaware of what the child is doing and with whom. She frequently uses toys or television to keep the child occupied. This parent may not know the names of her child’s friends or their parents. She commonly believes that her child’s academic performance is a direct reflection of the teachers’ competence only, without considering her lack in ensuring that the child completes homework and studies for tests. This unhealthy parenting style often blames the “systems” for her child’s thwarted development.

3.     Mother: This individual guides and encourages her child while allowing the child to make decisions as well as process the consequences. She teaches her child to “think past the moment” and to understand that the choices he/she makes today will still affect them tomorrow.  She is involved and keeps the lines of communication open with her child, the child’s friends, and the other parents. She stays abreast of academic changes and is willing to work with the school to help her child succeed. This parent supports her child in extracurricular activities. She discusses differing views so that the child is informed about what he/she will face in the real world. This parent leads by example.

The basic truth is that smothering snuffs the life out of a person while the common term for “othering” is neglect. (Interestingly, in the United States, it is illegal to smother or to neglect someone in our care.) On the other hand, mothering discovers a middle ground between guidance and autonomy. It neither makes every decision for the child nor does it leave every decision up to the child. Mothering is the proper balance that lends to good judgment and a healthy long lasting outcome.

Insight:  Anything done to the extreme or without balance quickly moves from healthy to unhealthy.

Do You Know The Purpose?

When home computers were first introduced, most owners did not understand all of its functions or capabilities. As the story goes, one owner who used the device to create text documents became very frustrated by the fact that the cup holder on his new gadget kept breaking so easily. After complaining to the manufacturer, he surprisingly discovered that the plate with the circular opening that extended at the touch of a button was not at all for his coffee cup. Its true purpose, rather, was to hold the floppy disk that contained saved data. The computer was subjected to abuse because of the owner’s lack of knowledge.
In other cases, owners may knowingly misuse possessions or resources. I remember observing my aunt use a kitchen butter knife to tighten loose screws. Similarly, it was common to witness the tips of butcher’s knives being used to puncture the top of canned liquids on each side in order to pour them. Interestingly, these abnormal uses frequently left the utensil with irreversible damage.  The results were knives with bent or broken tips that could not be straightened or reattached.
The word ABUSE is a compound word constructed from ABnormal USE. It indicates objects or resources being forced to perform acts or take on responsibilities for which they were not designed/created. How often do we unknowingly or intentionally treat our children or mates in the same ways as the disk drive or the kitchen knives mentioned above? Do we force our family members to act as punching bags or to bear the responsibility for our uncontrolled emotions?  Such is considered abuse (abnormal use) because it is contrary to the original intent or purpose of a spouse or child. Furthermore, does this misuse cause irrevocable damage to those we say we love? Is this the purpose that we chose to have a mate or a child?  Nonetheless, if you want to know the true purpose of something, ask its creator. April is ‘Abuse Awareness Month’ so let’s do our part to stop Abnormal USE!

INSIGHT: If you don’t know the purpose of a thing (person) abuse is inevitable. (Myles Munroe)

“Mindsight vs. Eyesight.”

I whole heartedly agree with the mantra of the UNCF that “a mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Of course, this organization’s focus is on expanding the mind through education. Yet, a healthy “mindsight” can be developed regardless of the level of formal education. Dreams and visions literally are the mind’s way of showing us what is possible. I have heard it said that if we can conceive it and we can believe it then we can receive it (as so) and we can achieve it. In essence, the impossible becomes possible in the mind first. Consider the truth that every invention that we enjoy on a daily basis began in someone’s mind. Our smart phones, our wireless internet connections, our keyless or remote starting automobiles, as well as our mass produced natural (and not so natural) foods were ideas before they were inventions. Trend setters see things with their mind’s eye long before they see it with their natural eye. Needless to say the human mind is a powerful force. So, what will you do with this power that you possess? It’s your call!

If your mind can conceive it and your heart can believe it- it’s possible to achieve it.

Introduction to Blog

Welcome to the Insight Blog.  We appreciate your interest and promise not to take it for granted!

This blog is an extension of INBESI Counseling & Life Care, an organization purposed to serve those experiencing various types of stress. As part of the growing community outside Fort Hood, Texas, INBESI has the exciting opportunity of working with people from around the world as well as those from around the corner. We get to serve individuals from diverse occupations and backgrounds. The staff at INBESI understands that serving is a privilege and it is our honor to do all we can to impact lives in a positive manner. The Insight blog is intended to provoke thought (not to replace therapy).  The posts may vary in style, length or format but they will always give you something to think about even after you’ve finished reading. So, I personally invite you to peruse the blog and encourage others to check it out. In addition, I ask that you join us on our Facebook page: Inbesi Counseling & Life Care.

Again, thank you!

Loria Lofton, LMFT